one year (day 259)

Exactly one year ago, I got a phone call from a girl… not a friend, not even an acquaintance.
Have you heard from him?
I knew this phone call, and I knew that tone of voice. Because I’ve almost made that phone call a thousand times.
No, I haven’t heard from him, but I can check on him if you’d like.
So I text him- he’s alive (that was always my first worry); he’s watching the football game with his family.
I let her know, and then she tells me… everything, basically.

See, I get really attached to people. That whole group had such a special place in my heart. I would have done anything for them. So when I heard what this girl had done, I cried. I cried for a friend who now had to deal with this horrible situation she had put themselves in.

For selfish reasons, I was glad. Because this person had come back into my life. The few months following were just a blur… a blur of fancy restaurants and tequila nights and afternoons playing GTA, hitting literally every restaurant in Brea (but never souplantation- I still can’t go in there), Laker games, and Friendsgiving dinners where people definitely noticed that we were really close.

Then in January, my world fell apart. I was destroyed by a man with whom I thought I would be spending my life. I was fed lies for two weeks while he gallivanted (read: cheated) with another woman.

He thought he was protecting me by not telling me the truth. Each new secret he eventually told me ripped my heart up a little more, but he was there to patch me back up.

So, just as I helped him pick up his pieces, he helped me pick up mine.

Somewhere around, oh I don’t know, April 4, things changed. Cue the roller coaster that was the next four months. Things changed, I thought, for the better. And we sat on that park bench, me with no jacket, him with his cologne that smells like axe, just talking. Getting a cold and being sick for the next week was completely worth it.

We fought and yelled and made up more times than I can count. But this one was different- because each fight, he would let me yell, never once hanging up on me- he tried his best to listen. Because after getting so mad, he was the only person who could make me laugh again and forget why we were arguing in the first place. He was the Sam to my Diane.

In the past year, he’s come to know me better than anyone (save for my brother). He knows when I’m angry, he knows when something is bothering me, he knows that “nothing” means everything, he knows what food I like and that I refuse to try new things, what my clothing style is, my favorite movies and TV shows, he knows what I stand for, he knows my goals and dreams, he knows I overthink everything… He knows me.

And now?

One year after this chapter was started, it’s come to an end. It feels right to just close the book now. Walk away. There is nothing left. There’s only so many times you can be disappointed by a person. Sure there might be something left to say that hasn’t been said yet, that could fix all this. But you were never good with that, and I honestly don’t know what I need to hear.
So, cheers. Thank you for a crazy/weird/emotional year. I never thought we would crash back into each other’s lives, or that the path we took would look like what it was. But here we are.

I’ll always remember that hot July night in the park with your arm around me, as fireworks exploded above us, feeling so lucky and happy and more than anything, hopeful.


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Filed under 2014 365, Personal

everything will be okay in the end. if it’s not okay, it’s not the end. (day 232)

there’s too much going on and too many things and not enough time to process.

there are not enough hours in the day. good thing i’m literally too busy to dwell over a broken heart.

i’m two diet cokes in, one more in the fridge calling my name. two laptops and my notebook and endless colored pens all over my desk. it’s going to be a long night.

i’m slowly losing my mind.

but little things made me happy today… like going to the library early and getting my usual cubicle. and having friends bring you chocolate. and a guy calling me out for not recycling- i was thrown off at first, but how refreshing to find someone who will actually call out a stranger for the sake of the environment. he still put a smile on my face.

oh, and it’s raining :)


despite the bad and the stress and the anxiety, i’m happy today.


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flash flood warnings (day 216)

i finally feel at peace in my mind.

(even though there are a million things i wish i could change, and even though this is probably fleeting)

and i’m just happy because it’s raining and i drove home with the windows down, and yeah our garage could potentially flood, but the radio was playing my favorite dierks bentley song and the air smells like rain, and it’s amazing.

so even though i’m stressed about school, even though i’m nervous about tomorrow, even though certain things are unrequited, it’s okay.

things have worked out thus far, and they will continue to do so.



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just like the last

Brooke: We go days without having a meaningful conversation and I used to miss you so much when that happened, but it never seemed like you missed me, and I guess because of that I stopped missing you. I mean look at today…
Lucas: I guess I should have said something, anything. I mean, for a guy who wants to be a writer lawyer, it suddenly seemed like no words had ever been written, but when someone tells you that they somehow stopped missing you, you’re pretty much screwed no matter what you say. Brooke, I’m sorry.
Brooke: I can’t do this anymore.
Lucas: See, but there had to be something, right? Something that nobody had said in the history of the world, something that could change this. Brooke, I’m sorry.
Brooke: Yeah, me too.
Lucas: That wasn’t it.

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adjusting (day 197)


I hope I never get tired of this view.

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